stressfreemum

Will my cat leave home?

The whole family is delighted with the arrival of Dylan. All except one.

My cat Sophie is a little put out about the new house guest. She's been here for ten years (which makes her an old lady in cat years who's probably not keen on 'embracing change'!) And she's not adjusting very well to another addition to the family. Not only is Daisy now fully mobile and wanting to 'love' the cat at every opportunity, but any attention we have is given to Dylan.

Sophie has taken to looking at me with those accusing eyes. Keeping in the background. Waiting til everyone is asleep, then creeping up for a bit of a hug ("You do still love me, don't you mum?"). Trouble is that I only have so much to give. My body is still healing, and my focus is still on the kids (and to be honest, that's not going to change).

Before Dylan and Daisy arrived, Sophie was our little 'baby'. She had little habits that were endlessly endearing to her doting owners. I used to wake up to her purring in my ear. She'd do that 'paddy paws' thing on my tummy when I stroked her. She'd call for me at night when she came through the cat flap.

Now all these things are just annoying.

I'm sleep deprived, so don't need any sort of purring alarm clock settling on my pillow. I have children sleeping in various rooms, so don't need anyone calling 'honey I'm home" at the top of their voice when they get through the door. And if I wanted a cat trampling up and down my caesarian scar, opening up the stitches, I'd ask for one.

My hubby and I talked about it the other day and we reckon that - at this stage - it might take us about three days to notice if Sophie left home. That's not good. After all Soph was here before the kids and she's been a loving companion. I feel guilty. 

So here's how I'm tackling it. Every day we give her some time with just us - she's after attention, so we make sure she still knows she's loved. We've bought new cat nip toys to keep her distracted so she can play by herself. And we've created a new space for her, away from toddler grabbing hands. At the moment it's behind some boxes under the desk, so I don't think that Daisy even knows where it is.

Pets are fantastic stress reducers. Stroking a cat lowers your blood pressure. Walking a dog helps boost your natural endorphines. Watching fish relaxes you. So she's helped me in the past. Fingers crossed that these things work in return until we achieve a new level of normality in this mad house!  

Last night I dreamed I had 8 hours sleep...

The number one problem for all new parents is in the bedroom. (No, not that. Forget THAT for a while!) I'm talking about sleep.

Now, I've worked in high pressured jobs all my working life. I know about deadlines, burning the midnight oil, getting by on little sleep. So I thought I'd cope with midnight nappy changing and 3am feeds just fine.

Wrong!

Nothing prepared me for the sheer relentless nature of motherhood. First there's the continually disturbed sleep. Just as you get settled in bed, you're unceremoniously dragged from your slumbers for another feed or change. You never get to the point when you are well rested cos you have to be off doing something else. Not that you know what to do... just that your baby wants SOMETHING and he wants it NOW and that CRYING is the way he's chosen to let you know (after that, you have to work it out for yourself). Hormonally you're a mess. Physically you're all over the place. It's not pretty.

My collegues at The Stress Management Society tell me the answer to this tiredness lies in 'power' napping. Here's the theory...

There are five stages of sleep - ranging from light dozing to the deepest of sleep. If you enter the deepest stages of sleep and are roused early, then you might wake up feeling very groggy, disorientated and even more tired than when you began. Power naps on the other hand aim to keep you in the early stages of sleep - in stages 1 and 2. So a quick snooze refreshes you but doesn't take you to a deep sleep cycle that you can't complete. 

Your baby will eventually establish patterns. He might sleep longer at night, and start napping during the day. Keep an eye out for these patterns and plan your sleeps accordingly. Obviously try to get deeper sleep when your baby sleeps for longer. But aim for power naps during the rest of the day. Between 15 to 30 minutes should keep you in light sleep stages 1 and 2 - traditional power nap territory.

Forget the washing, cooking, cleaning. Forget changing your clothes, brushing your hair, feeding the cat. Forget going on Facebook, paying your bills, opening the post. Just be ruthless; when your baby starts to doze, race for the duvet. Don't stop to do anything on the way, or you'll be distracted from your mission to be as one with your pillow. 

The Stress Management Society also has a range of self hypnosis and creative visualisation CDs that help you relax more deeply. I used some of these and found them amazingly good at getting me to sleep. Watch out for the free mp3 download appearing on the www.stress.org.uk site soon to show you how.

Happy napping!

don't go on the first squirt

Important parent quiz here... your newborn has a bit of a pooey squirt in his nappy. Do you a) whisk him off for a change to avoid a dose of nappy rash? Or b) do you let him sit in his own filth?

Your answer will depend, I think, on how new a parent you are. Your instinct is certainly to head for the changing table. You are a parent. Nappies are part of the job description. So you're on! Go mummy, go. Change that sucker...

However babies have a cruel sense of humour. They watch, they wait, they feel for the moment when fresh air hits their bottoms... and they let fly with the real delivery. We are talking jet propelled sticky goo the colour of korma and the consistency of runny porridge. Nice. They might even give you a couple of squirts for your trouble, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

I remember the feeling of being totally lost with my first child, the victim of her random and uncontrollable schedules. Yet even newborns have patterns. The more you spend time with your little one, the better you get at judging those patterns. Even those relating to bottoms. You soon learn what time of day you are likely to get the big nappy action. And how long to safely wait before reaching for the wipes.

Nevertheless, if you value your carpets and/or wallpaper, don't go on the first squirt!

New baby growth charts are great news

High fives all round - the NHS has seen the light! From May 2009 UK growth charts for newborns have changed for the better.  

Until now, such growth charts (as seen in your child's red book) were based on the rate of growth for bottlefed babies. But bottlefed babies pile on the pounds quicker than their breastfed friends. So any breastfed baby's weight plotted on the chart would seem a bit lightweight.

Now health officials in the UK have at last seen the light. They will introduce new charts based on the growth rates of breastfed babies. Read the full story here...

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=101855209465&h=-8Txg&u=jQW1u&ref=nf

I don't know how quickly the new charts will take to actually appear in red books - ask your midwife if you are not sure which version you have. But hurrah for this change. It will help with all sorts of issues, from childhood obesity to stress levels of anxious mothers.

NHS, we salute you!

Help, I'm too skinny!

Of all the things I've ever said in my life, I don't think I've ever had the problem of not gaining enough weight.

Unfortunately it's one of the first pressures a new baby has to face. (Well, the it's generally the parents who feel the strain as midwives start weighing the new born, checking 'the chart' and looking very concerned.)

Babies are not used to such pressure to perform. In the womb all their nutrition came on tap. Out in the real world they have to work a bit harder to learn how to feed. Both mum and baby have to learn a new skill - latching on properly - and learn what feeding approach works best for this baby (on demand v a schedule, breast v bottle).

Therefore while this is going on it's completely normal for a new baby to drop 10% of its body weight in the first few days. But the medical professional generally likes a new baby to make that back within two weeks. So cue first parenting stress - feeding. And every baby has its own ways of doing things. so what works for one, won't work for another. Typical, huh!

If you are going to breastfeed, this weight issue is a bit tricky. And it's something that reduced me to tears again and again with baby number 1 who took 6 weeks to make back her birth weight.

But here's an interesting thing. Your baby's weight is tracked along a graph in its 'red book'. The graph is meant to indicate if the baby is falling behind in the weight stakes. But did you know that this graph is designed for bottle-fed babies, not breast-fed ones?

Bottle-fed babies are the sumo wrestlers of the baby world, putting on weight much quicker than breast-fed ones in the early days. Thus if you plot breast-fed results against a bottle-fed graph, the breast feeding mother is automatically going to feel a bit of a failure.

So if you're breastfeeding, just remember this when your midwife tuts and compares your baby's weight gain to the graph. Ask her if your graph is for bottle or breast-fed babies. And ask if she understands that the graph is asking your baby to put on more weight than is possible in the early days. And ask yourself if it's helpful to get stressed comparing apples with oranges.

Instead take a look at your baby. Is he or she healthy, thriving, alert and the right colour? Chances are things are fine. Don't get stressed out worrying about weight. Think of it as an indicator of how feeding is going. And if there's an increase - even if it's small - then that's OK. 

To shop or not to shop...

Being a mum is hard work, and I don't know when I'll sleep for more than a few hours at a time again. But Dylan is my little wonder boy. And now I'm starting to get out and about a bit more. Like to the supermarket.

You can spot the new parents in any supermarket. They are the sleepy ones.

They shuffle zombie-like between the aisles, yawning and wearing pyjamas under their clothes. Particularly check out the footwear. Anything like a slipper is  a dead giveaway.

Their faces exhibit a touching wonder at being allowed out to do something other than baby-related activity. My first trip to Tesco after Daisy was born was the best definition of freedom I've ever experienced - ah the joy of taken-for-granted-normality.

I'm sure Nelson Mandela may have felt the same on his way back from Robben Island as he stopped off in his nearest Sainsbury-equivalent for a packet of custard creams.

New parents also have trouble working out what to buy. You might see a new mum or dad standing motionless in the aisles, trying to remember the ingredients of cheese on toast...

In the end through sheer exhaustion and confusion they generally opt for a random and only partly useful selection of products (eg pizza, apples, hairnets and superglue).

To the stress-free mum or dad, supermarket shopping is a dilemma. Who wants to spend time shopping when you could be doing something useful like sleeping or having a bath!

But don't underestimate the importance of little novelty expeditions like this. If you haven't left the house for three days, then a little trip to Tesco could help make you feel human again. Why?

Going somewhere new gives you new things to see and do. The brain responds well to a change of scene like this. As does your baby - he will often stop crying if you take him to a different room and give him something new to look at. Shopping also means you get to use your brain in new analytical ways. And if you visit a large supermarket you can alsy stop off in the cafe for a nice cup of tea and a read of a newspaper.

Of course if you hate shopping in all its forms, don't bother. Order groceries online, ask a relative to do your shopping, or ask visitors to pick up essentials on the way (we always need bread, bannanas and milk if you're popping over). But find another way to inject a bit of normality in your life - get your hair cut, go for a walk.

The main thing is to find a way to get away from it all for an hour just so you keep a corner of your life that is just for you.

It's a boy!

Welcome to little Baby Dylan! Born at 8lb 13 oz (4 kilos), he has a full head of chestnut hair and the tan of a Portuguese football player. Given that Dylan spent his last four months in the womb trying to kick his way out, it's not such a surprise that he's destined for the Premier League. 

I have to say an elective caesarian was for me a very stress free way of giving birth. Now, I feel a bit of a heel saying this because natural is best. Well it stands to reason, doesn't it? But given that I've just had a baby and am feeling a bit weak, argue this one amongst yourselves for the time being.

The one thing I will say though is that if you are having a baby soon, fight for immediate skin to skin contact. I never had this with baby no 1, Daisy, so was determined that baby no 2 would get this. And I have to say this was the most amazing moment of my life so far.

When Dylan was born, I heard him cry out (thank god, I heard myself say). Then the surgeon held him up in front of me and my husband so we both saw him at the same time. He was an odd assortment of limbs, cords, purples and reds. It was difficult from my angle to make out the gender, so my husband announced that we had a little boy.

Then immediately Dylan was placed on my chest, nose to nose, and we just stared at each other for the longest time. He was so beautiful, so vulnerable, so quiet as he heard my voice in the real world and just seemed to recognise who I was and snuggled up to me for warmth. 

My one-minute-old boy was so fresh from the womb that he was still covered in vernix - the white cheesy substance that protects babies against dryness and bacterial infections. Like baby anti-bacterial moisturiser. How incredible. I've never seen a baby quite so newborn before. Daisy was presented to me cleaned, dried and with a pristine white sleep suit on (at least I'm assuming she didn't emerge that way naturally). I wanted to hold my little girl before she was 'processed' and I always felt cheated that I never got the opportunity. So this time we made sure the team knew what we wanted, and it led to a truly special moment.

I held him close for 40 minutes or so while they finished up after the op. And I'll never forget it.

Getting back to the recovery suite, I tried breastfeeing him for the first time, and he just knew exactly what to do. I couldn't stop crying from happiness. The vernix was already sinking in naturally, revealing more and more of my new little man.

Meanwhile the woman next to me in the recovery suite was clearly a little freaked by the whole thing. "Take my baby away and wipe that gunk off" she said "I can't take pictures of her like that!"

So now it's me a Dylan learning how its done. I'm trying to work out his cries. And just where I'm, supposed to put the baby cream on his interesting collection of private parts. He lies there staring at my bosoms and licking his lips. Men, ay?!

Will post more later, but consider me on maternity leave - for a few days at least!

How to stop those 'has the baby arrived yet?' calls

It's 10pm on Sunday night. And in just 12 hours I should be holding my baby after my planned caesarian.

So tonight I am packing my bag, trying not to think of all the things I meant to do but haven't had time for yet, and aiming for an early night.

Daisy was two weeks late and we had two things stressing us in those last few days. First the medical professionals wanted us to have an induction. We sort of expected that one. (And for the record, you're quite entitled to go over 40 weeks and leave it to nature, as long as you agree to be monitored at your hospital's for safety's sake.)

But the thing that we didn't anticipate was dealing with 3, 4, 5 people a day ringing, emailing or popping by to check whether the baby had arrived yet. One dear friend rang me in a panic on the mobile saying "Oh my goodness, thank heavens I found you. I rang you at home but there was no answer. Are you in the hospital having the baby?" 

Like I'd be picking up calls between contractions...

No harm done, you might think. But when you have to keep explaining the situation to multiple people (especially a few who seemed to think that I needed to rush to the midwife for help to rectify the situation) it does up your stress levels.

So here's a great tip to stop anxious friends and family piling extra pressure on you. Tell them the due date is a few weeks later than it really is. That should stall their panic calls for a bit. In fact you'll probably have enough time to have the baby and a few days of 'you' time before you let the world in on your exciting new secret.

Besides which you're actually doing them a favour by keeping their anxiety levels low.

Believe me most won't even realise what's happened. And if they ever do, just claim you got the dates wrong through jelly brain.

And so, to bed. Wish me luck!

Want a brainy baby? Keep stress free during pregnancy

Did you know that a baby can be significantly affected by the stress levels of its mother during pregnancy? 

I was reminded of this research this week when me and my other half went to the cinema. He wanted to see a high octane action adventure flick, and then pretend to be Starsky or Hutch all the way home. I, however, am the one who has to deal with the kicks from this developing baby - and in excitable situations it tends to kick more. So as I don't really need internal bruising at this stage, I managed to persuade my hubby to come and see an animated comedy instead.

What a good decision. My baby spent 90 minutes being flooded by feel-good endorphins rather than thinking that there was a war going on out there.

In the womb an unborn baby hasn't got much to go on in making sense of the world. All it can do is hear noises and sense how its mother is reacting to the world by the hormones racing round her system.

If she is stressed she will be releasing specific hormones like cortisol and adrenalin to prepare her for fight or flight situations and give her the energy and focus to respond to emergencies. And all hormones are passed to the developing foetus from a very early age - from just 17 weeks, in fact.

The theory is that this is a process of education. The baby is supposed to learn from these environmental clues what life is like beyond the womb. If it's a jungle out there, the baby needs a certain level of programming to prepare being born into danger. However I don't live in a jungle. I live in a leafy London suburb, so high stress hormones would be misrepresenting the situation somewhat!

Yet there are consequences. Research has shown that when a mother's cortisol levels rise, so do those of her baby. The babies of stressed mothers are also more likely to be anxious and to show signs of attention-deficit disorder later in life. And - here's the clincher - babies exposed to higher levels of maternal stress can end up with lower IQs.

The people who produced the research stress that mothers should not worry too much about this but should aim for a healthy balanced lifestyle. For example you can reduce the effects of stress on the body through good relaxation techniques, such as yoga and massage. So if you're pregnant it's a great idea to start including this sort of thing in your routine to balance out life's little tensions.

See http://www.stress.org.uk/Massage-tips.aspx for some tips from the Stress Management Society.

As the man said: "Don't worry, be happy".

Hmmm, no natural birth this time

 

Well Friday's routine appointment with the consultant was a surprise. It was booked to go over the details of our planned natural birth. (Breathe deeply, smell the lavender oil, cue bullet-shaped baby that pops out at just the right moment...). But it seems that things will be quite different. I am destined for a caesarian instead.

 

When my daughter Daisy was born, it took 38 hours from first contraction to delivery. But for some reason she didn't want to come out. After all that time she wasn't even engaged in the birth canal and, eventually showing signs of distress, had to be hauled out via emergency caesarian.

 

The reason for this was never explained properly. However at the time one of the delivery team quietly made a note in the file in faint spidery writing that no-one spotted until a few days ago.

 

It indicated that there may be a problem with my pelvis. Bit bent? Bit small? Bit dodgy? Either way this significantly affects my chances of delivering naturally. We've gone from a 70% chance of a natural delivery to a 40% one. And the likelihood is that we could again experience an extended delivery followed by an emergency caesarian.

 

Don't like those odds.

 

So, like Starsky and Hutch, you have to roll with the punches (even if you have a misshapen pelvis).

 

We've therefore decided to shelve our plans for a natural delivery and go for a planned caesarian instead.

 

I am assured by the consultant (and by friends who have had the same procedure) that you recover quicker from an elective c-section than from a drawn out labour followed by an emergency caesarian. And as I have a bouncing 19-month-old to look after too, I'll need all my strength back as quickly as possible. So it does make sense.

 

Therefore the decision is made. Baby number 2 is going to make an appearance on Monday 16 March. That's a week away.

 

I'm very happy that I'll be seeing my baby soon. And rather nervous. But the final countdown has begun... Blimey I'd better get that hospital bag packed.